


Here You Are

by Taybay14



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Bartender Dean, Businessman Castiel, Fluff, Single Parent Dean, Slow Build, Smut, money struggles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-04-01 05:07:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4006969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taybay14/pseuds/Taybay14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean Winchester has been through hell and back. He grew up with no mother, an alcoholic father, and nothing but a grumpy old man named Bobby to look after him. He went to college thinking that it could only get better, but when the girl he loves ends up getting pregnant - and refusing to stay to help with the baby - he has decisions to make. Fast forward three years and he meets Castiel Novak, a man in the bar he works at, who looks just as lost as he feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

           The bar was starting to quiet down as the final group of guys stumbled out, shouting and cheering about nothing in particular. I glance at the clock above the jukebox, wondering if I could get away with kicking the last two patrons out and calling it a night. Right as I’m about to announce last call a group of four girls come in, grabbing a table in the back. I try not to think of all of the things I have to do tonight, instead focusing on one of them walking towards me. I fix a smile on my face. “What can I get ya, gorgeous?”

            Her face lights up and I almost want to tell her I call every girl that, but I don’t. Instead I keep the smile on my face and wait for her order. “Four margarita’s please.” I sigh, looking over at the booth. I should walk over there and card all of them, especially since it’s a college town.

            “You all over twenty-one?” I nod towards her friends, knowing that if they aren’t she at least would be. She nods, her smile not slipping, and because I don’t have the energy I move on. I start coating the rims of each class with lime, then dipping them in salt. As I mix the drinks I listen to her drone on about her senior year and how she can’t wait to get out of this stupid college town. I nod, pouring the liquid into each glass, but I’m not really listening. Even though I told myself not to, my mind is still wandering to my ‘to do’ list.

            “There ya go.” I say politely, offering her a warm smile. One of her friends is beside her now, I’m assuming to help carry the drinks.

            “Thanks handsome.” She winks at me then turns to her friend. I can still hear them giggling as I turn to grab the dish rag from the sink. I dip it lightly in the soapy water, enough to clean but not enough to soak the counter. When I turn back around a man with curly black hair is sitting where the girl had been. I slap the towel down, a little bit to the right of him, and ask him what he’s drinking. He loosens his tie and looks up at me, bright blue eyes taking my breath away. All I can think is, ‘shit.’

            “I shouldn’t be here.” He looks troubled, but not like the usual alcoholic or cheater. I glance at his hands just to be sure. They aren’t trembling, and there’s no ring. He looks away, as if he shouldn’t be looking at me, and sighs. “Johnny Walker Blue, please. Neat.”

            “Sure.” I feel around for a glass, then turn and grab a bottle from behind me. “Long day?” I call over my shoulder.

            “You could say that.” I fill one of our best crystal glasses with the amber liquid. I turn around and set it down in front of him, my composure coming back now. He thanks me and begins swirling his finger around the rim. I pick up the rag, deciding to let him be even though he’s fucking hot. I move down to the far right of the bar and begin swiping in short, vertical lines. I try not to think about the almost empty fridge at home, or the broken air conditioner I still haven’t had time to fix, or that I’m three months late on hospital bills. When I glance over at the man he is staring at me, a soft smile on his lips. His drink is almost gone already.

            “Refill?” I call out, moving towards him slowly as I wipe. He shakes his head, the smile growing.

            “Whatever you’re thinking about, you should stop. It’s not healthy to worry.” I can’t help but roll my eyes.

            “Coming from the guy who’s worried about being here.” He laughs, but it’s a dry laugh.

            “But here I am.” He gestures as if referring to the whole room, but his eyes stay locked on mine.

            “Here you are.” I whisper.

            “What’s on your mind?” He asks quietly, taking the final sip from his scotch. I fill it back up anyway, despite him telling me not to earlier. He doesn’t seem to care as he goes back to twirling his finger around the rim.

            “The usual.” He looks at me questioningly and I realize for the first time his usual probably isn’t mine. In fact, this guy is nothing like me. Where I’m dressed in faded jeans and a flannel, he is wearing what looks like a very expensive business suit. He ordered expensive scotch where all I could probably afford is a beer. I don’t know what compels me to point this out, but I can’t stop myself. “Well, the usual for a broke ass guy like me. Probably not the usual for you.”

            “Let me guess, bills, rent, groceries, your car is broken and you’ve got school work you’re behind on.” My cheeks heat up as he stares at me, tilting his head. I want to be angry at the statement, but he doesn’t look like he meant it as an insult. More like he just wants to understand.

            “The air conditioning.” I mumble, leaning against the bar.

            “I’m sorry?” He asks quietly.

            “My car is fine. It’s my air conditioning that is broken.” He nods, twirling that damn finger again. “And I’m not a student, so thankfully no school work.”

            “How old are you?” He asks blatantly. I’m not sure if it’s his long day, two glasses of scotch, or just his personality, but he is very abrupt.

            “Why?”

            “You look like college age, that’s all.”

            “I’m twenty-three. I dropped out a few years ago though.”

            “Why?”

            “Priorities.” I shrug it off, moving away from him instead of risking him asking me to clarify. The shit I deal with is none of his concern. Before I can get too far, the same girl comes back to the bar.

            “Mind giving us some refills cutie?” She asks flirtatiously. I tell her to give me a minute and she practically skips away. I begin the process of making four more margaritas, but realize the lime and salt are right in front of blue eyes. I suck it up, grabbing the glasses and moving back to him.

            “Did you not like school?” He asks quietly, his head tilting again. I can feel the anger bubbling up inside of me. I’m not a person who enjoys discussing shit like this at all.

            “I loved it. Like I said, it wasn’t really an option anymore.” I sigh, pushing the button on the blender to mix the margaritas. When I go to pour it in the glasses I can sense he is about to ask another question and decide to ask him one instead.

            “Why did you say you shouldn’t be here?” His mouth shuts quickly as he stares at me. He adjusts his tie again, loosening it more.

            “It’s a week night, for one.” He sighs, shaking his head. “I also have an early meeting tomorrow, so this night in particular I should not be awake this late.”

            “Couldn’t sleep?” I ask, concern laced in my voice. I don’t know why I care. I don’t have the time, energy, or resources to care. But I still do. He nods, and he looks almost ashamed of himself. I suppose he doesn’t look or seem like the type to fail at something.

            “Whatever you’re thinking about, you should stop. It’s not healthy to worry.” I repeat his advice from earlier, which brings a smile to his lips.

            “Touché.” He raises his glass to be in a sort of toast as I load a tray with the four glasses. “To those of us who should fucking relax, even though our lives demand the opposite.” I raised my empty hand to him, smiling at the irony. He probably has no money problems, no overdue bills, no broken appliances, but he looks just as miserable as I feel. The grass must not be as green on the rich side as it looks, it’s just an abundance of fertilizers, water, and lawn care professionals that create the illusion.

            “Be right back.” I say quietly, carrying the tray. I deliver it to the table of girls, accepting their tips with a broad grin and a wink. When I turn back around the bar stool I’ve been spending so much time at is empty. The weight that left my shoulders sometime in the last hour is back as I shuffle my way towards the bar. As I approach the spot I see he left me a hundred dollar bill, along with a napkin with a black pen. I pick it all up, stuffing it into my pocket. I tell myself I’ll read it later as I shout to the group of girls that I’m getting ready to close for the night. They all pout and “boo” me, but I don’t really care as I go back to cleaning the bar. All I know is for a few minutes, that guy made me feel like I could breathe again and because of that, I need this to not be the last time I see him.

 

 

 

 

            The lights are on inside my apartment as I open the door. I take a deep breath, checking my watch. It’s 2:47. Almost on cue, I can hear two little feet quickly coming down the hallway. I turn the deadbolt and slide the chain on the door, then crouch down just in time for her to round the corner. “Daddy!” She yells with excitement, her cheeks pushed back in a large smile. She wraps her little arms around me, hugging my neck.

            “I feel like it’s past someone’s bedtime.” I say pointedly, aiming it at the old man standing behind her. He crosses his arms and shakes his head.

            “Oh shut up ya idjit. She was asleep. Woke up about an hour ago, energized and ready to play.” I sigh, brushing her hair out of her face as she smiles up at me. I can feel my heart starting to melt, but I stop it.

            “You have to be a good girl, Mary. Daddy needs you to behave and sleep.”

            “Daddy not seepin.” She points at me with a chubby finger. I bark out a laugh, dragging a hand down my face. No, daddy is never fucking sleeping these days. Bobby sighs, patting me on the shoulder. I give him a reassuring smile and lift her up.

            “Daddy is going to sleep right now. So are you. Let’s go.” I start walking down the hallway, passing her room and bringing her into mine. She hates sleeping alone and I don’t have the energy tonight to fight with her. I put her on what I now refer to as “her” side of the bed and go to tuck her in. For the first time I realize the apartment is cooler. I pull the comforter over her, giving her a kiss on the forehead and telling her I will be right back.

            “You perfect, perfect man.” I say as I round the corner and smile at Bobby. He shakes his head and laughs quietly.

            “It was barely broken. It only took fifteen minutes Dean.”

            “Still, fifteen minutes I probably wouldn’t have had until this weekend. Thank you.” He pulls me into an unexpected hug and I freeze. After a few seconds I pat him on the back and he pulls away.

            “You’re taking care of yourself, right boy?”

            “Of course.” I look at the clock, scratching my head. “I should probably get to sleep though, so that I can be functional tomorrow.” Bobby shakes his head slowly. He’s been helping me out for a while now. He jokes all the time that I’m not really a single dad, because I have him. I work at the shop during the day, mostly in the office where I can put my half business degree to work and still be able to watch Mary. Some days he will have me work on a car or two if the load is too heavy. Then, on nights when I work at the bar, he takes Mary for me. It’s a sweet deal, not that it’s surprising that the man who is practically my father would help me out like this.

            “I’m thinking about closing the shop on Friday. As of right now we only have one appointment, and I know they wouldn’t mind rescheduling.” I know he’s doing this for a reason. Friday night is a home football game for the university, and I’ll be pulling a double shift that night. I don’t call him out on it though, partially because I need the extra break and partially because I’ve been promising Mary we would go to the waterpark one last time before it closes for the season.

            “Works for me. I’m off tomorrow night but I work again the rest of the week. You’ve got her, right?” He nods, pulling his hat on as he unlocks the door.

            “Wednesday and Thursday I will watch her here, but Friday night I’ll just take her at my place.” I usually hate giving her up for a full night, but I know as well as he does that I’ll be dead after my shift. There’s no way I would be able to properly take care of her. He says goodbye and then leaves, me locking the door again behind him. I walk to the fridge, opening it up to find it just as empty as I left it. I sigh, taking a yogurt from the top shelf. I dig the napkin, pen and tips out of my pocket.

            With a spoon full of yogurt in my mouth I walk over to the safe, unlocking it and tossing the bill along with my other tips in there before closing it again. I walk back over to the counter, taking another spoon full of yogurt. Next I look at the pen, thankful that it’s the fancy engraved kind. _Castiel Novak CEO._ My insides turn cold. What a CEO, no matter what company, was doing in a college dive bar is beyond me. What he was doing talking to someone like me is even more confusing. I look at the napkin, my hand shaking slightly. When I read it, I’m only slightly disappointed. Instead of a number, it’s a little note. “Thank you. I needed this.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

I don’t see him again until Friday. It’s the middle of my second shift and I have a bar lined with fraternity boys and sorority girls, shouting orders at the bar owner, Benny, and I. I’m scrambling around frantically, placing drinks on the bar and letting whoever called for them claim them. Money is landing faster than we can pick them up. Just as someone puts Taylor Swift on the Jukebox, he slides into a miraculously open bar stool. He’s in a suit again, just without the jacket. The vest hugs his chest tightly, but I only have three short seconds to dwell on it.

            “Johnny Walker Blue?” I shout at him over the noise of the bar, a smirk on my lips. He smiles.

            “Neat. Please.” I push Benny out of the way, giving him a silent tap that told him I have it. He raises one eyebrow but leaves me to work. I fill the glass quickly, handing it to him to make sure that no one else claims it. Our fingers brush and for the first time in almost a year my pants get a little tighter.

            With an apologetic smile I move on, cracking open more beers and quickly throwing ingredients into the blender. A girl with gigantic boobs leans forward across the bar, licking her lips. I inwardly groan. “Can I get a shot of tequila?” I nod, pouring her a messy shot and sliding it towards her. She throws it back quickly and bites her lip. “Refill?” I start getting mildly annoyed. If she wants a glass of tequila, then she should ask for a god damn glass. I fill it anyway though, giving her a small smile before moving on quickly. When there is a fraction of a second to breathe, I slide myself over to the man I now know as Castiel. I hand him his pen, watching as his eyes light up.

            “I wanted to say thank you to you as well. I needed it too.” I grab his glass, taking it to the shelf I set the scotch on before and filling it up. When I return it to him he smiles at me. He looks slightly less tired tonight, possibly because it’s only a few minutes after eleven. “I’m Dean by the way.” I offer him my hand and he takes it quickly. His handshake is strong and firm, exactly what you would expect from a CEO. But the way he softly pulls away, letting his fingers drag across my palm, is in every way the opposite of that.

            “I’ve got to be honest Dean. This isn’t exactly the place I would prefer to spend my Friday night.” I laugh loudly, sliding two more beers down the bar without taking my eyes off of him.

            “Trust me. I’ve got plenty of other places I would rather be.”

            :Like where?” And I’m not sure why, but I tell him the truth.

            “Home with my daughter.” His mouth opens and closes before he takes another drink slowly. My blood runs cold for a moment as he remains quiet. A boy raises his hand and asks for a round of patron. I place down ten shot glasses in a line, my hands shaking a little less with the familiarity. I pour the liquid across them and nod at the guy to go ahead. He slams down money that I take and shove in my flannel pocket quickly. When I go back to Castiel I’m relieved he is still sitting there.

            “How old is your daughter?” My breath leaves in a gush as I feel the weight lift again. He didn’t run, not yet.

            “She’s three. Her name is Mary.” I don’t tell him that I named her after my dead mom, because that seems a little heavy.

            “So you’re, married?” He asks slowly, looking somewhat defeated. I shake my head quickly.

            “No, no absolutely not. She bailed. She didn’t want her.” My voice catches a little bit but I cough and it returns to normal.

            “It’s why you quit school.” The look on his face is one of understanding and I realize that he probably isn’t confused very often. It must have been frustrating.

            “I couldn’t juggle it all. It’s not a big deal.” I shrug it off, walking towards Benny again to help him out with the new rush of students. By the time the group is thinned out and I have time to look back at Castiel, he is gone. I shake my head, trying really hard not to focus on it. I go back to the people in front of me, offering them a forced smile as I start on the new batch of drinks. After a few minutes I have successfully pushed him out of my mind, losing myself in the comfort of the loud music and bottles in my hands.

 

 

 

 

 

            It takes us thirty four minutes longer than usual to get everyone out after last call. Both bouncers, along with Benny and I, were needed to usher people out, break up stupid arguments, and call a few cabs for the people who definitely were lying about the fact that they “lived close” or “had a designated driver.” When I start cleaning the empty bottles from the booths around the edges, one of the bouncers tells me I have a visitor. He looks bored instead of annoyed, so I know it’s not some drunken girl who developed a crush throughout the night. What I don’t expect is Castiel to appear.

            I nod to the bouncer to let him know it’s alright and go back to clearing the tables. “You mind if we talk for a minute?” He asks quietly. He sounds anxious and I take pity on him.

            “I’m wiped man. We can talk, but I really need to hurry up with cleaning. You mind multitasking?” I meant for him to let me clean while we talk but he took it as him helping as he starts picking up bottles. I go to tell him he doesn’t need to, but I have to admit watching a man in what I believe to be an Armani suit clean up a college bar is actually pretty entertaining.

            “So I wanted to clarify. I wasn’t freaked out, about the whole kid thing. I mean surprised, sure, but not freaked out. You just looked really overwhelmed and I didn’t want you to feel like you had to pay attention to me.” He says all of this really fast, like I might stop him or something. “I think it’s awesome that you’re a dad. And obviously a pretty damn good one because you definitely have the whole sacrifice thing down.”

            We keep cleaning, moving from booth to booth. “I try.” I laugh, not sure what to say. He smiles at me, a knowing look on his face.

            “I was wondering if we could go out sometime, Dean.” I freeze, my hand resting on a half full beer bottle. I stare at my fingers for a moment before slowly tossing it into the bin.

            “I’m pretty busy the next few days to be honest.” I’m not blowing him off at all, but I know it’s probably what it sounds like. He takes a more aggressive approach though, taking a step towards me.

            “When was the last time you ate?” He asks, concern etched in his eyebrows. I try to think. A full meal? Probably not for a few days. But I had leftovers from the lunch Mary only half ate at the park earlier. Before I can answer he nods though, like he sees right through me. “That’s what I thought. How about we go get something to eat after this. I’ll help you finish up here.”

            “Nowhere is really open.” And I can’t afford it. But I don’t say that either. He goes back to cleaning, still smiling.

            “Let’s head back to my place. We could order pizza. There’s a place just around the block that’s open twenty four seven.” He pauses, his hand halfway in the bin. “Oh, you probably have your daughter. I didn’t even think about that.”

            “No, actually she’s with family for the night.” I wonder if I should invite him to my place, but I realize it’s much safer to go to his. Mine is dirty, and empty. He would run for the hills if I walked him in there.

            “Perfect.” He smiles at me, as if this was a yes. He must know that I already can’t say no to him.


	3. Chapter 3

His apartment is the opposite of mine. It’s big for one thing, with lots of open space and definitely more than two bedrooms. His kitchen is full of stainless steel appliances and granite counter tops, whereas mine has a stove that clicks when it’s on, a microwave I got a garage sale and a fridge that is just barely cold enough. I gulp as he leads me into the living room. The floor is all a dark hard wood, except for a cream throw carpet in the center of the room. He takes a seat on the leather couch, gesturing for me to sit down as he picks up a remote and turns a large flat screen on. He mutes it right away and turns his attention to me.

            “What do you like on your pizza?” He asks politely, his blackberry in his hand.

            “What do you do?” I blurt out, not registering my thoughts first.

            “Do?” He asks, tilting his head again in that damn cute way of his. I sway on my feet, but only slightly.

            “Like for a job.” Now I feel incredibly stupid. It’s our first date, or I at least think it is, and I’m making a fool of myself. But isn’t that a normal question to ask on a first date? I don’t remember. I haven’t been on a real date in years, not since Anna.

            “I’m the chief executive officer of a large publishing company, Angeles.” I had heard of it. Of course I had. Back when Anna and I were together in college, our bookshelves were always overflowing. At least half of them had been published by Angeles.

            “How did you climb the chain so damn fast?” I ask quietly, my mind reeling.

            “I started the company. It’s mine.” Castiel waits for a moment, letting this sink in. I scratch my forehead, starting to do the math. “How old do you think I am Dean?”

            “I was guessing not much older than me.” Castiel smiled at this, and I can tell I was wrong in my estimate.

            “I’m thirty-two.” The silence between us hangs awkwardly. It’s not like that is a huge problem for me or anything, but I’m not sure what exactly to say. “Is pepperoni good?” He asks after a moment. I nod and he stands up to go order. I look up at the television as he speaks softly into the phone. The news is droning on about the presidential election that is still years away. I shake my head, wondering who has the time or energy to care.

            “So, what do you do?” Castiel asks as he walks back in the room.

            “I bartend.” He already knows this, so I’m not sure why he is asking. He places two fingers on his lips and starts rubbing them softly. I think it’s an absentminded thing, but it’s got my pants shrinking again.

            “You support yourself and your daughter on just that?” He isn’t convinced. I’m not either of course, that’s why I work at Bobby’s. But isn’t it bad enough I’m a lowly bartender? I don’t want to add mechanic to the list.

            “I help run an auto repair shop.” I try to figure out how to explain Bobby to someone who knows nothing about my life. “The guy who owns it, he’s kind of like a father to me.”

            “What about your real father?” He asks, and usually I would find the question rude but he looks so interested and innocent.

            “He died when I was in high school.” Castiel says nothing, just nodding slowly. I wait for him to give me an empty apology but thankfully he stays quiet. After a few more seconds I continue, feeling that weight lift again. “My mom died in a house fire when I was little. My dad couldn’t save her and he never really got over it. I came home from studying at the library, finals week of my junior year, when I found him passed out in a puddle of whiskey. That time though, he never woke up.”

            “That’s terrible.” He whispers, his fingers pausing as he looks at me.

            “I guess so. He wasn’t the best dad, ya know? He liked to mess me up when he got drunk, which was obviously often, and he could barely keep a job. But he was family, you know? The only family I had. Besides Bobby, the guy who owns the shop. He was my dad’s best friend. He used to come over and fill the fridge up every once in a while. Throw some spare money my way for books and clothes.”

            “He sounds like a great guy.”

            “He really is. He’s great with Mary too. She has him wrapped around her little finger, it’s hilarious.” Castiel smiles at this.

            “Well, I’m sure she has you wrapped around it as well.” I go to protest but he’s got a very good point, so I laugh instead. “So why bartend? I mean, alcohol doesn’t sound like something you would enjoy being around.”

            “I guess growing up I always wished there was someone who would stop my dad, or at least talk to him. I never could you know, being so little, and by the time I was old enough it was way too late. I figured if I became a bartender, there would be one less guy out there who doesn’t care about who’s sitting at his bar.” I shrug, my cheeks turning bright red. “Of course, I have yet to save anyone so-”

            “You saved me.” Castiel whispers. I go to ask him what he means, my heart beating wildly in my chest, but the buzzer goes off to announce the pizza man. He jumps up quickly, trying to get away from what he must not have meant to say. I lean back in my seat, wondering what he meant by me saving him. I think back to that first night in the bar, and he did look lost but not in a serious way. I figured it had just been a long day, like he said. By the time he’s back he is smiling again, and I can tell the conversation is over. “I got us some soda as well. I figured we didn’t need any more alcohol since it’s almost four in the morning.”

            “That’s fine. I don’t drink, anyway.” I say, cringing as I look around for a clock. The one on the wall to my right confirms how late it is and I inwardly hate myself. I have to work in less than twelve hours, and I said I would pick Mary up in less than seven. He looks at me concerned as he puts the pizza down on the coffee table.

            “Oh, right. I probably should have figured that one. I’m sorry” He says, slowly walking back into the kitchen. He fills up two glasses with ice and what looks like Pepsi before bringing them back in the living room.

            “Yeah. It’s not a big deal. It’s fucking late though. I didn’t realize how late it was.”

            “You can always stay here.” When I choke on my soda he laughs. “In the guest bedroom. That way you can get more sleep. It’s probably not safe for you to drive so late anyway.”

            “Okay.” I want to fight it but I don’t have the energy, especially when his voice makes the decision sound final anyway. “Thank you.”

            He grabs a slice of pizza from the box, taking a large bite out of it. I relax a little more, doing the same. For a few minutes we eat in peace, both of us enjoying what feels like the best meal of existence- at least for me.

            “What did you do your senior year? After your father passed, I mean.” He asks this without looking at me, and I believe it’s the first time I’ve caught him being somewhat shy.

            “I lived with Bobby. It’s when I learned most of the mechanical side of the shop. I could tinker with cars before, but I wanted to help out as much as I could so he taught me how to do it for real. Between the few shifts I worked there and a small, miraculous amount of money my dad had saved for me, I could afford the local community college.”

            “But you went to the university instead?” He asked slowly, looking at me with those intense blue eyes.

            “Yeah, I did. Bobby offered to pay, and I got a grant and some loans too. I wanted to do a business degree, emphasis on accounting and finance, so I figured I would have plenty of money to pay everything back.”

            “How far along in your degree were you, when you left?”

            “Almost done actually. All I needed was thirty one more credits, easily just another year. There was no way though. If Anna would have stayed, we probably could have made it work, but she didn’t and I wasn’t willing to risk losing my daughter.”

            “Anna was your girlfriend?” He asks softly, taking a sip of his drink. I nod, biting my lip. Besides Bobby, I’ve never told anyone this. When I left school my friend group didn’t have much need for me anymore, most of them either being too shallow to listen to my group up problems. Some of them had been Anna’s friends too, taking her side in the whole thing. When I left, it was easier to just not tell anyone. The only person who even knows about Mary is Benny, and he never really asked questions.

            “We got together my freshman year. We had the same awful science class. We were both not very good at science, and the teacher was this short old man that you could barely understand. I guess we bonded over that, and it grew from there. We were together almost three years when she found out she was pregnant.”

            “That’s a long time.” He notes.

            “Shit, it was. I thought I was going to marry her. The whole love of my life thing, but looking back on it we weren’t very happy most of the time. We fought a lot and as we got older our interests shifted pretty far away from each other. She started talking about traveling the world and all this hippie shit, where my dream was literally sitting in an office. We weren’t compatible. The pregnancy was the last straw. She wanted to get an abortion and when I told her fuck no, she said she would leave the baby to me.”

            I pause, taking a long deep breath. Now that I’m finally talking about it, I can’t seem to stop. “I figured she would change her mind, you know? I mean, holding your own daughter in your arms- that’s gotta change someone right? But she wanted nothing to do with her. She even yelled at the doctors to get the baby out. I spent two days, night and day, in the nursery with Mary. Anna wouldn’t let her in the room with her so it was the only place for her to go. She looked so fucking lonely and sad in there. I hated it. When it was time to take her home I never even tried bringing her to Anna. To be honest, I couldn’t give a shit if she had died. That bitch made Mary feel unwanted from the second she was born, and I hated her for that.”

            “It’s why I quit school. I was thinking about it already, but Bobby had offered to help so I could at least go part time. But when I realized I didn’t want her to ever feel unwanted or like she wasn’t my priority, I quit. I wanted my life to revolve around her. It’s what she deserved.”

            Castiel leans forward, placing his hand on my knee. I jump, but he doesn’t move it. “What about what you deserved?” His damn blue eyes bore into mine, as if they can see my fucking soul. I want to run away from him. Not because he’s a guy, even though I haven’t been with a guy since high school (and that was just an experimental fool around), but because no one had ever asked me that. Not even Bobby. It was something that was always nagging in the back of my mind, but I never gave it the time of day.

            “Doesn’t matter.” I say gruffly. He doesn’t accept that though, his hand moving from my knee to my hand. I want to tell him to leave me the fuck alone, but his touch is calming me.

            “You matter Dean.”

            “What did you mean earlier, when you said I saved you?” He pulls his hand away like I shocked him. Standing up quickly he grabs our empty glasses and makes his way to the kitchen. After a few moments of silence I follow him. “Castiel, why am I here?”

            “Because,” he is staring down at the sink, his hands shaking. I want to go to him, but I stay where I am. I’m not even sure if he is gay to be honest. I’m not even sure if I am. “Because it feels like I can breathe around you. I’m not sure what that means exactly, but it feels good.”

            I take three steps towards him, placing my hand on his shoulder and turning him around. His blue eyes are confused as they search mine. I lean forward, making it very clear what I am about to do. He freezes, but he doesn’t move. “You make me feel like I can breathe too.” And then my lips are closing around his, and his oxygen is my oxygen. We are surviving together.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this one is a bit short but I've been crazy busy lately.. don't hate me :( More tomorrow I promise!!

“Daddy, what’s a bagina?” I’m stirring a pot of spaghetti sauce when Mary looks up from her coloring book and asks me this. I’m ninety percent sure I know what she’s asking, but I’m praying I’m wrong.

            “Where did you hear that word?” I ask, turning to her and giving her a smile. She clutches her pink crayon a little bit tighter, her brain working slowly.

            “Uncle Bobby called you a bagina.”

            “When?” She chews a little on her crayon, then makes a face at the gross taste. She sighs.

            “When you said you were seepy.” I laugh. Today was an incredibly long day, one of the worst Monday’s I had in a while. I worked another double shift Saturday, even though Castiel and I stayed up until almost six talking and kissing in between conversation. Yesterday I worked extra time at the shop to make up for being closed Friday, trying to clean up the books and get ready for the busy season with winter coming soon. Then I was up last night three different times with Mary, her nightmares keeping her awake.

            “A bagina is a very naughty word for-” I pause, not sure where to go from there. “It’s a naughty word. Uncle Bobby shouldn’t have said it.”

            “Okay.” She says happily, switching to a purple crayon. I wait for her to drill me further like she usually does, but then again she’s pretty good when it comes to rules and saying naughty words are definitely against them. I start stirring the pot of spaghetti again, leaving her to hum songs from frozen while she finishes her picture. Just as I pour the spaghetti noodles into a pot of boiling water, my phone rings.

“I’ll gets it!” Mary yells, hopping off the breakfast stool. I let her go, knowing how much she loves talking on the phone. The only two people that ever call me are Bobby and Benny, and neither of them ever mind. I hear her answer it as she patters her way into the room. “Who is dis?”

I stop stirring the pot, wondering who else would have called me. My blood runs cold when I remember I left Castiel my number Saturday morning, before I snuck out like a coward. “I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.” She says, after I assume he tells her his name. I laugh softly to myself.

“Give daddy the phone.” I smile, wiping my hand on a dish towel and reaching out. She giggles and I wonder if it’s at me or if Castiel said something funny.

“Do you know what a bagina is?” I choke on another laugh, taking the phone from her before Castiel has to deal with that.

“Go wash up for dinner.” She sticks out her bottom lip but does what she’s told, stomping her tiny feet all the way to the bathroom. Once she’s out of the room I put the phone to my ear. “Hey, Cas.”

“Dean.” He says quietly, his voice light with humor. “That was Mary I assume?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry about that. She loves answering my phone.”

“Not a problem. She’s adorable.” He laughs softly to himself. “So Dean, what’s a vagina?”

“You think that’s funny? Bobby let that one slip in front of her at the shop today. I was hoping telling her it’s a naughty word would get her to let it go. I suppose that was a little too hopeful.”

“That’s pretty great, to be honest.” Castiel sighs and now he sounds as tired as I am.

“How was your day?” I ask softly, taking the pots off of the burners. Mary comes back, with her pink stool from the bathroom dragging behind her. I wrinkle my eyebrows, about to ask her what she’s doing when she puts in front of the cabinet and climbs up.

“Still going actually. I’ve got another meeting in a few minutes.” He sighs again and I want to make him feel better. I want to fix him.

“That’s terrible.” I glance at the clock on the oven. It’s almost seven. “You’re done after that though, right?”

“Well I’ll most likely have paper work to file, but after that yes.” I hear a woman’s voice in the background and some muffled conversation. Mary starts pulling glass plates out of the cabinet, one at a time. After a few seconds Castiel comes back to our conversation. “I apologize for that. I told my assistant to give me a minute of privacy.”

He says this pointedly, like she is still standing there. “Not a problem. I can let you go if you need to be at your meeting.”

“Alright. Well, thank you for talking. It made the day a bit more bearable.”

“Same here.” I watch Mary carry the plates to our little kitchen table, praying she doesn’t drop them and hurt herself.

“Listen, I know you mentioned you have the night off and I was wondering if you would like to do something tonight. I know it will be late but-” He trails off, probably hoping for me to pick up the sentence.

“Well, I’ve got Mary.”

“Right, of course.” He sounds sad, but I know he understands. I smile to myself.

“You know, it is movie and game night if you want to come over.” I instantly regret this. For one, I don’t want to scare Castiel off by showing him my over complicated life and thrusting a kid on him. I also don’t know how to explain this whole relationship to Mary, who has never seen me with anyone.

“I’d love that. As long as we aren’t watching Frozen.” I laugh out loud, looking down at Mary in her Olaf t-shirt while she sets the table.

“I can’t make any promises. I’ll text you my address.”

“I look forward to seeing you Dean.”

“Yeah.” My hand is shaking as I look around the messy apartment, wondering what the hell I’m doing. “You too Cas.” The line goes dead and I swallow down the lump in my throat. I stand there, clutching my phone in my hand, until Mary asks me if we’re going to have sghetti. I snap out of it, going to the stove to finish mixing the noodles and sauce. I tell her that my friend Castiel will be coming over later, but she doesn’t really seem to care. She’s humming to herself, digging in a drawer for two forks now. I wish I could explain to her how monumental this is. To her it’s just a stranger coming over, to me it’s my world turning upside down.


	5. Chapter 5

         It’s a little after eight when I hear three sharp knocks on the door. I’m elbow deep in laundry, trying to stuff all of it in the small room off the kitchen to make the floor look less cluttered. “I gets it!” Mary yells, which is surprising since Elsa is only seconds away from breaking out into _let it go_. She was pretty excited when I told her a friend was coming over later, since those are like unicorns in daddy’s life.

         Just as I’m closing the door to the pantry, I hear the door open. I scratch my forehead and look around one last time, trying to think if I missed anything. I hear Mary tell him he has to take his fancy shoes off and I almost choke on my laughter. I round the corner as he’s slipping off his dress shoes, Mary taking them and placing them on the mat beside the door. He shrugs off his suit jacket, his eyes meeting mine. His small smile grows wider. I take in his messy hair and tired eyes and want to kiss him. But Mary is there, staring at him like he’s an alien. I shove up my flannel sleeves a little higher and walk forward.

         “Mary, this is my friend Castiel.” She smiles up at him, her bright green eyes wide. Castiel offers his hand to her and to my surprise she shakes it.

         “Pleasure to meet you, Mary.” Castiel says in what I can only expect is his business meeting voice. I roll my eyes, taking the suit jacket from his free hand and hanging it on the back of a chair. He’s wearing a gray vest over his white dress shirt. His tie is nowhere to be found. He looks sexy as hell. Mary, still holding his hand, drags him to the living room. “Ah, Frozen.” I hear him say as I grab him a beer from the fridge.

         “I don’t have any scotch.” I say, an apology as I sit beside him on the old couch. He looks so extremely out of place, especially now with the beer in his hand.

         “That’s fine. Honestly, scotch isn’t even my favorite drink. I just feel silly ordering wine at a bar.” I can easily picture him after a long day, cradling a tall glass of wine. I like it.

         “I’ll keep that in mind next time.” I purposely say next time, hoping he will catch it. He does.

         “Next time, wine would be great.”

         “Are you hungry, we have leftover spaghetti?”

         “No, my last meeting was catered. Thank you though.” He takes a pull from his beer and it dawns on me for the hundredth time, we are from two different worlds.

         “What was the meeting for?” He sighs and I hope asking about work after a long day of it doesn’t annoy him. He watches Mary color in her book, humming along with Olaf as he sings his song about summer.

         “It was a conference call with one of our major authors. She’s trying to renegotiate her contract two years early.”

         “Sounds like a pain in the ass.” He laughs.

         “Yeah. It is, but if we don’t cooperate she’ll walk two years from now and trust me she has way more than two years left in her.” He shakes his head. “How’s work going for you?”

         “Eh, the bar has been pretty quiet lately. Which is great for my body but not for my wallet. The shop is bringing in a lot more customers lately, which is good for my wallet but not good for my body.”

        “Sounds like a pain in the ass.” He leans back and takes another sip of beer. Mary turns around and gives us a dirty look. When she turns back around Castiel bursts out laughing. “Did we just get silently scolded for talking during Frozen?”

         “You’re lucky it was a silent scolding, trust me.” I whisper, laughter in my voice as well.

         “Have you ever thought about going back to school, now that you’re back on your feet?” He asks this quietly, like he knows it’s a sensitive subject.

         “No. I can’t afford daycare, or to take time off work.”

         “Take night classes.” I can feel my blood starting to warm. I knew there were a lot of things about me that didn’t jive well with his lifestyle, but I hoped he wouldn’t try and fix them.

         “I work the bar at nights.”

         “Not every night.”

         “No, not every night. The other nights I spend with Mary or catching up on shit around the apartment.”

          “I could help.” He offers, his blue eyes searching mine.

          “I don’t need your help.” My voice raises an octave higher and Mary whips her head around again. I take a deep breath.

          “I didn’t mean to anger you. I apologize.”

          “I am not going back to school. It’s just not going to happen, alright?”

          “Alright.” He whispers, sighing. We go back to watching Frozen in silence, neither of us really acknowledging the other. At some point I hear a small snort. I look over to see Castiel passed out against the arm of the couch, his mouth hanging open. He lets out another loud snort and I can’t help but smile. Mary is less than pleased though.

          “Daddy.” She whines. The movie is almost over so she crawls up into my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. “He’s lucky it’s not a good part.” She whispers and I try hard not to laugh at her. I let her finish watching the movie in my arms, pretending for a few minutes that she will always be this little. By the end credits I have two snoring people to deal with instead of one. I stand up slowly, taking Mary into her own room for a change. She doesn’t protest as I put her down on the bed, one eye opening slightly to look at me.

          “Can you sleep in here tonight sweetheart?” She nods sluggishly, rubbing at her eyes with her small hand. I kiss her forehead softly and tell her I love her. “Wuv you daddy.”

          When I get back in the living room, he’s still sleeping. I turn the television off and walk over to where his body is sprawled out- half off the couch. I take advantage of the moment, brushing my fingertips softly along the stubble on his jaw. He stirs, one eye opening just like Mary. My heart fucking melts at that. He smiles softly at me. “I could get used to that.” He whispers.

           “Used to what?”

           “Waking up to you.” His finger reaches up, softly tapping me on the tip of the nose. His smile grows a little bit.

           “Spend the night. Wake up to me again tomorrow.” He sits up, wiping a hand down his face. I think he’s going to protest but instead he takes my hand and stands up.

           “Lead the way.” My hand shakes in his as I walk us down the hallway. I don’t have any idea what I’m doing. I haven’t been with someone in years, and that was a girl. I don’t know how I’ll explain him being at the breakfast table in the morning, or even worse, in my bed at night if she has another nightmare.

           I pull him into the room, shutting the room behind us. I watch his face as he takes in the lumpy mattress, fleece blanket, one pillow and pair of boxers on the edge. There’s no judgement in his expression, just curiosity. He walks over to my bookshelf, running his finger along the edge. It’s the only thing in the apartment that I’m proud of, besides Mary of course. It’s tall, 100 percent oak tree. It’s stained with a dark mahogany finish. It took me three paychecks in college to save up for it. I was so proud when I finally had somewhere to put all of my random stacks of books.

            “What kind of business were you hoping to get into, with your degree?”

            “Accounting.” I say, confused. I already told him this.

            “But for what kind of business.” He looks over at me. “Ideally.” He already knows the answer. The way he’s caressing my bookcase shows it.

            “Publishing.” He nods. He pulls out a book, smiling down at it.

            “This is one of ours.”

            “Many of them are.”

            “Was it my company you were interested in?” He puts the book back, continuing his investigation.

            “No. I never let myself aim that high to be honest. I figured just a small time publishing company.”

            “Why didn’t you study English, try and become a publisher?”

            “I thought about it. I didn’t want my passion to turn into work though. That’s why I went with accounting.” He nods, pulling out another one. This one is extremely tattered and worn.

            “One of my favorites.” I shrug. He smiles at it.

            “I didn’t expect that.” He says.

            “Vonnegut is an amazing author.”

            “I don’t disagree. I just pegged you for more of a Steinbeck man.”

            “Ah,” I nod, walking over to where he is. I grab a book off the top shelf. “Steinbeck isn’t one of my favorites, actually, but if I had to pick from his works I would pick this.” I hand him Grapes of Wrath.

            “This is a great book.” He acknowledges. I can tell he’s a Steinbeck man.

            “It is. I also appreciate Hemingway as well, much more than Steinbeck to be honest.” Before I can pull out a Hemingway he puts the book he’s holding down, grabbing both sides of my face. He bites his lip softly for a moment, letting me process what he’s about to do.

            “Go ahead.” I whisper. He molds his lips to mine quickly, his tongue darting out to trace my bottom lip. I moan into the kiss, letting it grow more intense as he tangles his fingers in my hair. He tugs softly, pushing me backwards but pulling me to him at the same time. I fall onto the bed, one arm flailing to steady us. He grabs the wrist of it and pulls it above my head. He grinds his pelvis against mine and I can feel him _there._

            “Have you done this before?” He asks me breathlessly. He’s obviously not talking about sex in general, since he just met my daughter. My face grows hot with embarrassment.

            “Not really, no.” He nods, giving me a short kiss. He rests his forehead on mine.

            “We’ll go slowly then.”

            “I’m not fragile.” I say, a little defensively. He laughs, giving me another kiss.

            “Never said you were. Just a big step.” I want to argue, but it’s true. I’m so far in over my head in the entire relationship, let alone in the bedroom. He kisses me again, this time letting it go deeper. I let him take my mind off things for a while, his lips moving continuously from my mouth, to my jaw, to my throat and back. He clutches at the bottom of my shirt, pulling it up slowly. I wiggle, helping him get it up and over my head. His sharp intake of breath makes the extra few hours I spend running and doing pushups worth it. He begins kissing down my chest and my stomach. I gasp as he runs his fingertips up my sides, creating goosebumps.

            “Gorgeous. Fucking gorgeous.” He whispers softly, still kissing his way down my body. When he reaches my belt I protest.

            “Your shirt.” I push at the buttons, trying to remember how they work. “Off.” He laughs, easily replacing my fingers with his so that he can take off the vest and shirt himself. My hands eagerly feel the warmth of his chest, causing him to sigh contently. He has a little bit of chest hair and I run my fingers along it. He’s in much better shape than I am, his muscles rippling with each movement.

            “Fuck.” I whisper. He smiles, his lips going back to my waist. I let him undo my belt this time, lifting my ass so he can pull down my jeans. I blush when he grabs my dick. “You don’t have to-” before I can finish he’s pushing me to the back of his throat. I throw my head back, biting back a moan. He looks up at me, blue shining through his thick black eyelashes. I bring my fingertips down to his face and drag them along his jaw, my heart pounding in my chest.

            He swirls his tongue, causing my hips to buck. He’s getting me closer; I can feel myself teetering at the edge. He nips at my tip, his teeth dragging slightly against my skin and I fall. He continues to lick and suck until I’m clean and dry. I take a few deep breaths.

            “That was amazing.” I whisper. He smiles up at me.

            “Good.”

            “Your turn.” I push him off me, crawling on top of him. I start kissing him the way he did me earlier. I can taste myself on his lips and it doesn’t freak me out as much as I thought it would. As I make my way down he tells me what I told him.

            “Dean, you don’t have to.”

            “Oh, shut up.” I yank down his dress pants and then his boxers, staring at him for a moment. My hands are starting to shake. He grabs both of them, clutching them tightly. He looks at me, his eyes hooded. A small smile is on his lips and he nods, letting me know it’s okay. I take him into my mouth, the weight of him feeling foreign on my tongue. I’ve done this once or twice in high school, but it was never like this. This felt right, not dirty or wrong. I work him slowly, watching him start to fall apart and feeling damn proud it’s me causing it. When I finally push him over that edge, he whispers my name and I decide I want to spend the rest of my life with that name on his lips.


	6. Chapter 6

         I wake up to a loud bang from the kitchen. Panicking, I sit up and look around. The bed beside me is empty but Castiel’s suit is still on the floor. I rub my eyes and look at the alarm clock. It’s already almost seven. I throw the blankets off, getting on my feet quickly. Pulling my boxers on with one hand, I reach in the top drawer of my dresser for a shirt. I can hear Mary talking away as I come down the hallway. My steps slow down so they won’t hear me.

        “Scambled eggs AND chocate tip pancakes?” Mary asks excitedly. Castiel is pushing around fluffy yellow chunks in a pan, standing there in my gray shorts and faded AC/DC shirt. I lean against the wall, observing them before they see me. Mary is standing on her stool next to him, a crumpled bag of chocolate chips in her hands. He moves to the bowl on the counter, pouring in pancake batter and mixing it quickly. I wonder for a minute where he got all of the groceries, because they sure as hell weren’t here. But Mary is already dressed, hair brushed and her pink shoes are next to the door so I’m assuming they went on a trip this morning. He starts softly talking to her, explaining what he’s doing as if she’s old enough to really learn how to cook. I watch her eyes light up when he tells her she can pour the chocolate chips into the batter. Despite the fact he said slowly, she dumps it all at once and looks up at him smiling.

        “I likes chocate tips.” She tells him as a way of explanation. He throws his head back and laughs, nodding as he mixed the chocolate chips in. That’s when Mary spots me. “Daddy, we is making you bekfast!”

        “I see that princess. That’s awesome.” I walk over and give her a kiss on the top of her head, smiling over at Castiel. He looks at me shyly, a smile on his lips as well.

        “I hope you don’t mind that we went to the store. I didn’t even realize it was sort of kidnappy until after I did it.”

        “Kidnappy?” I laugh. “Is that a word mister publishing CEO?”

        “Shut up.” He whispers, his cheeks flaming. I like this side of him. He’s so flustered and carefree and so damn hot in my clothes.

        “It’s fine. I trust you with her.” It takes a second for that to sink in. I don’t trust her with anyone usually, besides Bobby.

        “He’s letting us have scambled eggs AND chocate tip pancakes!” She says excitedly.

        “Cool!” I look at her for a moment, wondering how the hell I’m so lucky. It’s times like this that I can’t even be pissed at Anna, because she’s the one missing out. “Thanks for the, um, groceries. I was gonna get around to that.”

        “It’s not an issue Dean. I actually enjoyed grocery shopping.”

        “Enjoyed grocery shopping?” I laugh, watching him push around the eggs again. He looks so natural in the kitchen. “What, like you don’t grocery shop often?”

        “Actually, never. I mean I’ll pick things up from time to time if I’m in the mood for something.”

        “You’re telling me that giant stainless steel refrigerator in your place is empty?”

        “Stocked full actually.” I look at him, incredibly confused. He laughs again, starting to flip the pancakes. “Dean, I have a staff outside of my job as well. One of them being a housekeeper. She cleans, shops and usually cooks for me.”

        “Where was she the other night?” I ask, dipping my finger into the batter and grabbing a chocolate chip.

        “Daddy, that’s gross!” She yells, her face scrunched up in disgust. I laugh again, shaking my head at her. She hops off her stool, finding us not as cool anymore. We watch her run over to the living room, sitting on the floor so she can watch cartoons.

        “She’s off on weekends, that’s why she wasn’t there.”

        “What other staff do you have?”

        “Do you have a plate I can put the pancakes on?” He asks, flipping them again. I move to the cabinet and pull out one of the bigger plates. I hold it out so he can start filling it. “I have a driver, a small team of security, and a maintenance guy.”

         “How is it that I haven’t seen any of them?”

          “Well,” he thinks about it for a moment, turning all of the burners on the stove off. I call for Mary to set the table, something she now decided is one of her favorite things to do. “The first time I was at the bar my driver is who drove me home, but of course you were inside. He’s the head of my security team as well so if you were to see any of them, it would have been him. The second time, he was in there because of how busy it was. Made him nervous for whatever reason, but he wasn’t next to me. When I disappeared for that little bit, he brought me home to grab my own vehicle. I knew I wanted to at least try to be with you that night, and he would’ve definitely made things awkward. Last night, I drove myself.”

           “Your world, it’s not meant for me.” I’m not sure what makes me say it. It’s obvious to the both of us, but it felt like it needed to be said out loud.

           “It’s my world. I’ll decide who it’s meant for.” His voice is low and authoritative. I shiver, goosebumps crawling on my skin.

           “Okay.” I whisper. He nods, the subject final. He walks over to the small table where Mary is sitting eagerly. He starts pushing the eggs off of the pan and onto each plate, dividing them almost equally- Mary getting the smaller portion. I move to the refrigerator, somehow knowing that there would be butter and syrup. I bring it to the table, helping Mary dress her pancakes. Castiel places three glasses of orange juice on the table.

          “Bon Appetit.” He says in an accent, gesturing to the table. Mary giggles, her small smile hidden behind her hand.

           “You’re silly!” She tells him. He smiles down at her.

           “It means to enjoy.” He explains, shoveling some eggs into his mouth. “It’s French.”

            “Like a fry?”

            “Not really. French is a language. We speak English, but other people speak other languages. French is the language people speak in the country France.” She stares at him, mind blown. Then she gets excited.

            “Say it again!” She demands. He laughs and repeats himself. She stares at him for a moment, her brain working.

            “Bon Ateet.” She exclaims excitedly. He nods, encouraging her.

            “Good job!” Castiel tells her, his fork halfway to his smiling mouth.

            “Daddy! I can speak French.” I nod at her, my smile wide.

            “You sure can. That’s awesome!” She continues smiling, looking down at her plate. I watch her eat for a few seconds before looking over at Castiel, who is staring at me.

            “Have you been there?” I ask softly.

            “To France? Yes, multiple times.” He says it like it’s such a normal thing. I try not to let it get uncomfortable. I chew the pancake in my mouth.

            “Where else have you been?”

            “All over. Eruope, Asia, Central America, South America and Africa.” He continues eating.

            “Damn. I’ve been to like, three states.” He laughs.

            “Most of the trips were for business. Only one or two were for pleasure, so my life isn’t as exciting as it seems.”

            “I’ve always wanted to travel. I was going to after I graduated college. Wanted to go spend a year or two just traveling, making money here and there as I go. It was one of my dreams.” I look over at Mary, not because I’m blaming her but because I want to make sure she doesn’t get the sense that I am. She’s not paying attention, humming as she fills her mouth with chocolate chip pancake.

            “You’ll travel one day. Maybe not like that, but you’ll travel.” He pauses, looking me right in the eyes. “I promise.”

            “Alright.” I don’t like the way it sounds. His world and all his promises make me nervous. I can’t hope for those things, my heart wouldn’t be able to take it if he decided to walk away. Neither would Mary’s. I cough, standing up and taking my plate to the kitchen. “I need to get to work or Bobby will kick my ass.”

            “Right. Yeah, me too.” Castiel says quickly, standing up as well. Mary keeps eating, her eyes watching the two of us. He cleans his plate quickly, then makes his way to the bedroom. I stand there for a moment, watching him walk away and telling myself to let him go. I should delete his number, should explain to Mary that sometimes friends don’t stick around. She’s already getting attached. Hell, I’m already getting attached. It has to stop. But when he calls to me, I go. And when he stands there in dress pants and an unbuttoned shirt, I don’t look away. When he walks forward and tells me he wants to kiss me without Mary in the room, I nod. And when he kisses me, the familiar mold of his lips pressing against mine, I decide that I might be okay with getting attached.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter has some smut in it, nothing too heavy but it's still there!! Enjoy (;

Three weeks later, I’m lying back on Castiel’s bed while he lights a fire across the room. Elvis is playing on his record player, singing softly in the distance. I shiver, pulling the blanket further up my naked body. I look around the room, noticing for the first time there are no books in here. I ask him about it, finding it strange that he wouldn’t have any.

            “They’re in my library.” He says over his shoulder. I stare at him open mouthed, knowing full well he can’t see me. He has a fucking library. Why does that even surprise me?

            “I think I need a tour of this magical place you call an apartment, Cas.” He laughs at this, looking up at me.

            “Would you like that now or later?” I go to say now, but as I watch him slowly make his way towards me I decide I’ll wait until later. Much later. He crawls on top of me, only the blanket between us, and starts kissing me. After a while he slides off, lying on his side and propping himself up on his elbow. He starts tracing my chest and shoulder with a lazy finger, a smile playing on his lips.

            “Cas, I think I’m ready.” I let it all out in an exhale. It’s something we’ve been dancing around the last few weeks. He smiles down at me.

            “You sure?” He asks quietly. I nod, not trusting my voice. His lips meet mine again and the kiss quickly turns from something slow and soft to something quick and fierce. I kick the blanket off and he rolls on top of me, pressing his dick against mine. I moan against his lips, bringing my hips up to add to the pressure. He starts kissing down my body, taking me into his mouth quickly. I whimper, my cock hardening to a point I didn’t think possible. We’ve talked before, about whether I would want to be a bottom or top. I asked him his favorite and he scrunched up his nose, telling me he wasn’t a fan of being bottom but he’s willing to do whatever makes me comfortable. I told him then I would like to try bottom. Now I’m not so sure.

            He’s reaching for a bottle of lube from the side table. I can feel my breath growing erratic as he pops the cap. He notices instantly. “We don’t have to-”

            “Is it going to hurt?” I blurt out. My face grows hot and I throw an arm over it to cover the blushing. There’s a pause for a second, then he lightly grabs my arm and moves it off my face. He turns my face, drowning me in the blue of his eyes.

            “It might, a little bit. But I promise I will be gentle, and if it gets too much I promise we can stop.” He stares at me for a moment. My legs begin shaking.

            “Okay. Let’s go.”

            “Dean.” He says sternly.

            “No. I’m going to be nervous no matter how ready I am. It’s normal. I’m ready. Let’s go.” He stares for another moment, and then decides I’m telling the truth. He pours the lube onto his hand and rubs it in. I wonder why he’s not putting it on his dick but quickly understand when he puts a finger _there._ I jump. He pauses for a second, but then starts again. He pushes it in slightly. There’s a pinch, but then he slides in and all I feel is fullness. He crooks his finger the tiniest bit, moving it back and forth slowly. I close my eyes, letting him work me open. When he adds a second finger I moan loudly. He laughs softly at that.

            “I rather enjoy the noises you make with your hole full of my fingers.” I moan at that as well, throwing my head back. “I wonder what you would sound like with it full of my dick.” He whispers softly, kissing my dick. I buck up, partially at the words and partially at the fact that he just brushed against a spot that made me see stars. He moves his finger against it again and I practically scream like a fucking girl. He laughs again, doing it once more before pulling his fingers out.

            “Found it.” He says triumphantly as he smothers his dick with lube. He lines himself up with me, smiling as he slowly pushes in. I tense up and he stops, only his head inside of me. He leans down and kisses me, the smile still on his lips. “Doing okay baby?”

            “Yes.” I whimper, my legs shaking again. “I’m okay. I’m fine.” My voice is shaking now too, and so are my hands. He spreads my legs a little further, telling me it’ll help alleviate the pressure. Then he takes both my hands in his and grabs them tightly.

            “I’m going to move now, slowly, okay?”

            “Okay.”

            “Just breathe.” When I take a breath in he pushes, gently but the pressure is still intense. When he’s all the way in he pauses again, but the weight of him is too much in the best way and I need to move.

            “Move.” I beg, my voice whiny.

            “Take a minute. You have to get used to it or you-”

            “Move.” I tell him more aggressively, bucking my hips. He laughs, shaking his head but he starts moving. First it’s slow but he quickly picks up the pace, angling his hips a certain way that make his head brush against that spot again. I make the same noise as earlier and he looks so damn proud of himself. I want to tell him to shut up but it’s too good, he’s too good. He can brag all he wants. When his movements start to become less practiced and more jerky, he takes my dick into the hand that’s still slick with lube and begins pumping it. I close my eyes, the sensations all too much. Before I can tell him I’m going to come, I feel my hole fill with warmth. My eyes snap open and he looks down at me as I come all over myself.

            We stay there, suspended in the moment for a few seconds. I finally find my voice after a while. “That was amazing.” I croak out. His concerned expression turns to relief, and then to joy.

            “Thank God. For a second there I thought I lost ya.” I shake my head, grabbing his face in my hands. I give him two short kisses, then look him directly in those gorgeous blue eyes.

            “Cas, I’m not going anywhere.”

            “Good, you are not allowed.” He kisses me, rubbing his nose against mine. “Mine.” I laugh nervously, because that’s the exact thing I needed to hear from him.

            “How about that tour?” He smiles again, nodding.

            “Throw a pair of boxers and a shirt on.” He rolls off, grabbing a hand towel from the side table and wiping me off. I look at him questioningly. We usually hangout naked, and when we don’t he doesn’t instruct me to put clothes on. I decide myself. “My head of security is still here working in my office.”

            “It’s past midnight.” He throws my boxers and shirt at me. “On a Saturday.”

            “Yeah, I’m sorry. We’re having a bit of an-” he looks at me for a moment, catching himself. “-issue. Nothing to be concerned about.”

            “Are you in danger?” I ask, panic rising inside me. I pull the shirt on over my head, then stand up so I can pull the boxers on as well. He smiles at me, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.

            “Trust me, I am completely safe.” I’m not sure if I really believe him, but when he kisses me my mind goes somewhere else and when he takes my hand to bring me on the tour I’ve already forgotten.

            The hallway on this end of the apartment is long, the walls grey and filled with brightly colored canvases. He points to doors as we pass them slowly; obviously deciding they aren’t worth stopping for. One of them is a room turned into a full closet, which I’ve actually already seen a few times. Two are guest bedrooms, ones that he prefers not to use due to their proximity to his own room. I laugh at that, but also feel special because one of them is where I spent the first night here. We come to a fork; if we go left we go to the living room, kitchen, dining room, and foyer. I’ve seen all of that. We keep going straight though, which is a side of the apartment I have never been on. The first door on the right is cracked slightly open. He knocks once and is quickly answered with an invite.

            When we enter I’m taken aback by how cold the space is, compared to the rest of the apartment. Even though the color scheme of the place is pretty masculine, it’s still warm and welcoming. Castiel’s office is different. It’s all black and white and hard edges. The only color is the large bookcase behind his desk, and even that is limited. The bookcase itself is black and the books are mostly leather-bound and colorless. His head of security, Balthazar, is sitting at the large desk looking at a spread of papers. He smiles weakly at us, looking absolutely exhausted. Castiel clears his throat. “Just showing Dean my office quickly.”

            “I was actually going to get a glass of ice water. Take your time.” He says quietly, gesturing to the room. He gets up and walks past us. Castiel walks around his desk, scanning the papers quickly. His eyebrows furrow with concern for a moment but then his attention snaps back to me.

            “So, this is where I work when I’m at home. Usually at least.”

            “It’s nice.” I nod, looking around. I point at the bookcase. “Why aren’t those in the library.”

            He glances at them, and then looks back at me. “They’re all first editions. They’re much more fitting for an office, especially when I hold meetings here.”

            “You hold meetings _here?_ ”

            “Yes. Not usually, but with certain clients or if the situation deems it necessary.” He walks away from the desk and towards me. “Anyway, the important thing I want you to know is no matter what you can always come in here and see me. Don’t let it freak you out. I’m not an ass. You can interrupt me in here anytime.”

            “Even when you’re in a meeting?” He laughs, nodding quickly.

            “Yes please, especially then.” He leads me out of the room just as Balthazar shows up again. “How are things?” Castiel asks quickly before we leave.

            “Everything is fine Sir. Should have a full report to you shortly.” He looks at me, then Castiel, his posture slightly nervous. “Would you prefer hard copy or email, Sir?”

            “Both. Email it to my blackberry and leave a hard copy on the desk as well. Thank you.”

Castiel takes my hand again, something I’m still not used to doing in front of other people. Bobby has seen us together once, for dinner, but we didn’t touch at all. I’m pretty sure Mary caught us kissing the other night, but considering she never asked about it-which is strange considering her nosiness- I’m not sure if she actually saw anything.

            He leads me a little further down, bringing me to another door. “This would be the library. Brace yourself.” He winks at me, but part of me has a feeling he’s serious. When he opens the door I’m breathless. The warmth of this room crushes you compared to the office. The walls are painted a rich red and all of the bookcases are almost the same color as the bookcase at my place. The room is long, probably at least two of his master bedrooms, maybe even three. The walls are lined with bookshelves, and they have those moving ladders that real libraries have to reach the shelves higher up. The center is filled with shorter bookcases, in lines. There are a few large leather chairs placed periodically, along with side tables and lamps. There is a spiral staircase in the corner, leading up to a loft. I can barely see up there, but from what I can see there is a couch and a fireplace, along with more bookcases.

            He catches me staring up there. “That’s my favorite part of the library. Everything down here is alphabetized and categorized, but up there is just a random collection of my favorites. It’s sort of my happy place.”

            “This whole room is my happy place.” I nod, looking around and taking a deep breath. “This is the fucking definition of my happy place.”

            “Do you want to walk around?” He asks, and I realize we are still standing in the doorway. He lightly nudges me forward and I start for the nearest bookcase. I run my finger along the shelf, breathing in the scent of the oak and books. As we walk around I see that there is a corner with much shorter bookcases, a very fuzzy carpet and two big comfy rocking chairs. It looks unfinished, the bookcase not even half full. “Oh, um that’s for Mary. Don’t freak out. I know we haven’t really been together long but I can just picture her here. I wanted her to be a part of it. The happy place.”

            “You would want her here? In your apartment?” My heart flutters and I walk towards the corner. It’s not much, but to Mary and me it’s absolutely everything.

            “Dean. This is exactly where I want the both of you.” He shrugs, not looking at me. When I don’t say anything he nervously continues. “We can keep going if you want. There’s still a fitness center and two other guest rooms.”

            “I’m actually a little hungry, to be honest.”

            “Yeah, that’s fine. Just so you know. The next two rooms on the left are the bedrooms, then the last one on the left is the fitness center. You can use that any time.” He grabs my hand, squeezing it gently. “Let’s go get you food. I believe there is leftover casserole in the fridge.”

            He pulls me along, all the way to the kitchen. I sit down on a breakfast stool, leaning on one elbow as I watch him heat the food up. I stare at his back for a while, a goofy smile on my face. “Hey Cas.” I whisper. He doesn’t hear me, so I raise my voice the tiniest bit. He looks over his shoulder.

            “What’s up?” I don’t answer him, making it so that he will turn around fully. When he does my smile grows wider.

            “This is exactly where I want the both of us to be, too.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SO SORRY for the hiatus. Also apologizing in advance for the feels after this chapter... I love you all

            Mary sees a commercial for a waterpark/hotel nearby during dinner one night. The three of us are eating at the table, and for some reason I decide to be generous and let her keep the cartoons on. Her eyes instantly light up when the commercial comes on. The only waterpark she’s ever been to is the small one near here, and she’s never spent a night in a hotel. Castiel raises his eyebrows in question when I tell her we can’t go, but stays silent. It isn’t until after dinner, when we are washing the dishes together, that he brings it up.

            “My family used to go to that hotel when I was young. It was like heaven for us kids.” I nod, because the commercial did make it look pretty awesome. Mary would kill for a night at a place like that, and I would kill to give it to her. It’s just not in the budget right now. I tell him that, hoping he will understand. Of course, I should have realized he wouldn’t drop it.

            “We could all go. My treat.” He whispers, a knowing smile on his lips.

            “No. I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” We’ve been dating for almost two months now, and it’s not like he hasn’t paid for a few things here and there but this is too much. That place is probably really expensive, even if it’s just for a night. The commercial showed a waterpark, a giant arcade, a mini kid’s spa, and a restaurant- all inside the damn hotel. A place like that isn’t cheap.

            “Did you see Mary’s face when she saw that place? Think of how awesome it would be.”

            “Cas.” He’s giving me his best puppy dog eyes, the bright blue of them going straight to my heart and stabbing it. You would think he’s the one who wants to go to the damn place, not Mary. “I work the next two weekends.”

            “But the weekend of Independence Day you’re off, aren’t you?” I am, and he knows it. Him asking is just a formality. “We could go then. I’ll even turn my phone off!” He raises his eyebrows in fake shock and I laugh. I’m always nagging him about turning his damn phone off.

            “Would security come?” I’ve grown used to the random men lurking in our life now and again, but a weekend vacation with them would be a little weird.

            “I can talk to Balthazar. I have a feeling he will insist he at least comes.” He turns to me, giving me a soft kiss on the lips. “Can we tell her?” He asks excitedly, looking like a god damn little boy.

            “How about we keep it a surprise?” His excitement grows with the idea and he nods. I don’t tell him it’s because if we don’t tell her in advance, and he backs out, she won’t be disappointed. He doesn’t know about my tendency to protect her like that, but I’m sure it won’t be long before he picks up on it.

            I catch him planning the trip on his phone three different times throughout the night. The first is a text to Balthazar, begging for some much needed privacy- which was of course shot down immediately. The second time was booking the room on the hotel mobile app- I tried not to gasp when I saw the price over his shoulder. The third was the town website for the time and location of the parade and firework show- the one thing I don’t have to feel guilty about, since it’s free. I don’t yell at him for any of it though. He spends all night smiling like a little boy, which makes me do the same.

            “Do you want to stay two nights, or three?” He whispers later, while Mary is picking out what pajamas she wants to wear.

            “Two. I won’t be able to get Monday off work, so we need to head back Sunday night.” He stares at me, his eyebrows scrunched. He knows when I say I can’t get off I am always lying. Bobby never tells me no whenever I request vacation time. But it’s my job and I need the money, so he doesn’t argue with me.

            “Okay, I’ll adjust the reservation.” My blood heats up at the fact that he assumed I would ask work off, when I would never assume the same for him. How was he even expecting to get Monday off himself? I mean I know he’s his own boss, but he’s still expected to be there. Mary comes up to us with a tutu and a shirt, handing it to me to help her put it on.

            “You want to sleep in a tutu?” I ask her, trying to keep judgment from my voice.

            “Yes.” She says firmly, raising her eyebrows as if she’s daring me to argue. I don’t, but Cas does.

            “The material is a bit scratchy sweetheart,” he pauses, kneeling down so he is on her level. I smile at the scene, my anger from a moment ago disappearing. “Don’t you think you should wear something else instead?”

            “Underwear.” It’s not a question, but a declaration. Cas raises an eyebrow at me, trying not to smile.

            “Sure, why not?” I say, throwing my hands up. I don’t think my daughter will die if she sleeps in her underwear one night. Once the issue is handled and she crawls into bed, Cas walks over to the bookcase.

            “What book tonight, Mare?”

            “Monsters!” She is referring to Where The Wild Things Are. Cas laughs and grabs it from the top shelf. She makes him read it to her every time he stays over. Apparently his voices are better than mine. I’ll give him credit, he does sound very legitimate when he reads it.

            “The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind and another his mother called him ‘WILD THING!’ and Max said ‘I’LL EAT YOU UP!’ so he was sent to bed without eating anything.” I smiled as I watched him read to her, finding myself getting lost in the scene. I can’t believe how fast I’m falling in love with him. I left the room to go clean up the apartment before Cas and I head to bed. As I started picking up toys Cas’ phone rang, vibrating against the wooden table next to the couch. I can’t help my eyes traveling to the screen. It’s an email alert, the subject line reading _‘Background Check: Anna Milton’._ My breath catches in my throat.

            I can hear Cas still reading in the other room, but his voice is fuzzy and distant now. My eyes are watering and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve stared at the screen for too long without blinking, or if it’s the fact that the current love of my life is digging into the life of my past love of my life. My hands shake. I think about the beer in the fridge, only a few feet away. I think about the liquor store just down the street. I think about the son of a bitch in the next room. But then I think about the little girl in there with him and I can breathe again. I flip over his phone so I don’t have to look at the damn screen anymore and go back to cleaning. After what feels like an eternity, Cas comes into the room.

            He can sense something is wrong immediately when I don’t acknowledge his entrance. “You tired baby?” He whispers softly. Usually the pet name makes me shiver in a good way, but not tonight. I lightly cringe when he runs a hand down my arm and of course he notices.

            “You should get home. I work early tomorrow.” I stare right through him, not meeting his eyes. I focus on the scruff covering his chin instead.

            “I thought I was spending the night tonight?” He ducks his head a little so that his eyes match my line of sight.

            “You’re busy tonight.” I look away from him, focusing my eyes on the fridge. Just one beer wouldn’t be so bad, right? “You have emails to attend to.”

            “What?” He pauses, then I hear him suck in a breath. Silence stretches between us as he walks over to his phone. I listen but he says nothing as he looks at what I know is the same thing I saw earlier. “Dean.” He whispers, his voice broken.

            “You should go home.”

            “Dean.” I clench my fist. I need a drink and I hate that. I hate that I need either Cas or a drink, because before meeting him I was doing just fine without either. “Let me explain.”

            I hold my breath for a few seconds, staring at that damn fridge. If he leaves, I will drink. I know it right now. I don’t want to be my dad. “Okay. Explain.” I whisper, still watching the fridge.

            “She is in town. She moved back a few weeks ago. I did not care who she was or where she was, but when we began our relationship I had Balthazar put a flag on you and Mary. She had an appointment with Child Services yesterday, regarding Mary, which triggered the flag. Balthazar was going to look into her background and possibly make her.. go away.” He cleared his throat and took a few steps towards me. I look at him now, my eyes wide and my mouth open in shock. I take a few steps back, making the distance between us constant.

            “Go away?”

            “Not like that, Dean. He’s not a fricken hitman. I just meant to make her reconsider what she wants.” He runs a hand through his hair.

            “What does she want?” I know, in the back of my mind, I know. But I need to hear him say it.

            “Mary.” All the breath leaves me.

            “Mary is fine. She’s mine.”

            “Well, Balthazar is actually working on that. He’s making sure that is the truth.”

            “What the fuck do you mean?”

            “Just because Anna never held her, never took care of her, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have legal rights to her. Her name is on the birth certificate, and as far as we can tell she never signed over her rights.”

            “But she walked away!” I’m yelling now, and I know Mary is probably eavesdropping. I try to calm down but when I look away to gather myself I see the damn fridge again.

            “And now she’s walking back.” Cas whispers, coming towards me with his arms out. I fall into them, because he’s the safest place for me to be. I can’t believe I ever doubted that. “Or she is at least trying to walk back. We won’t let her baby.”

            “She can’t have Mary.”

            “I know.”

            “She’s my whole world.”

            “I know baby. I know.” I’m crying now, sobbing into his dress shirt. He’s holding me tightly, which is a good thing, because for the first time in years I let myself fall apart.


	9. Chapter 9

 

            Our first fight is four days later. It’s past midnight when he calls me, just leaving the office. I’m not upset with him working late, because we didn’t have plans tonight, but I’m upset with the conversation he decides he wants to have. After discussing our days, he brings up the one of the two subjects I keep telling him I don’t want to talk about.

            “So I had some free time today.” He says, which is surprising but I don’t acknowledge that. “I looked at the University website, and it turns out that application deadlines aren’t until next week.”

            “Okay?” I’m half asleep and not very interested. It’s not until he says the next thing that I even realize he’s relating this to me.

            “I thought maybe next time I come over, I could bring my laptop. We could fill one out for you.”

            “I’m good.” The cute sleepiness has officially left my voice. Now I sound harsh, even to my own ears.

            “It doesn’t hurt to apply.” I roll my eyes, sitting up and throwing the covers off myself. My body feels way too hot right now.

            “Actually it does. Not only would the application fee be something I can’t fucking afford right now. If I got accepted again, I would be tempted to go and we’ve been through this a million times. I’m not going back, it’s not an option.”

            “Mary is old enough now. She would understand.” He’s practically pleading with me, only making my anger worse. If he wants someone educated so damn bad, he can leave me. “And I could cover the fee.”

            “Absolutely not. You’re already covering my lawyer fee.” I had to look into hiring one after our conversation about Anna. Cas suggested I be proactive about the issue, and honestly Mary is worth borrowing the money- something I hate. I get out of bed and walk out of the room. I’m opening a beer from the fridge before it even registers. I put it back down, knowing I shouldn’t touch it. It’s not like I’m the freaking alcoholic, but the itch has always been there- like it was in my blood. I should have never bought the shit in the first place, I just wanted something there for Cas when he comes over.

            “Dean, I really think if you applied yourself-” and this is the point where I start drinking the beer anyway, because I have heard that sentence too many god damn times in my life. And because Anna is back in town. And because I might lose my daughter. And because work has been really fucking tough lately. And because it tastes good.

            “This is absolutely none of your business.” I say quietly, not wanting to show how upset I am.

            “You are my business Dean.” The bottle is already empty, which is ridiculous and I know it, but I still reach in the fridge for another one. “You can take care of yourself, I know that. But you deserve to pursue this.”

            I shake my head, drinking the beer like I haven’t had something to drink in years. It tastes really fucking good, and it makes me decide that giving up beer was stupid. Beer isn’t even that bad anyway, right? I mean it’s nothing compared to the damage the heavier stuff can do. “Maybe when Mary is old enough to be in school, okay?” I desperately want him to drop the subject and the way he sighs makes me think he’s going to, until he speaks again.

            “Dean, you are using Mary as an excuse. It’s ridiculous.” I scoff, now fully pissed off. In fact, I’m shaking with anger. I want to punch something, but I can’t afford to break anything right now and I’m only slightly tipsy so I’m thinking straight. I’m tipsy enough to laugh a little though, and I’m angry enough to say what I say next.

            “You know, I’m not your business. Not anymore. Goodbye Castiel.” I hang up the phone before he can say anything, finishing my beer in one long pull. Before I can reach for a third my phone is ringing again. I ignore it, but I stand there staring at the screen. It goes silent for a few long seconds, then starts ringing again. By the time I’m back in my room, lying in bed, he has called me five times. I put it on silent and roll over, pretending I don’t feel empty inside.

 

 

 

 

            He comes to the bar the next night, and he can tell instantly that I’ve been drinking. It started with a girl around nine o’clock. She offered me a shot, on her, and since the bar policy is that we are allowed to drink behind the bar as long as it’s not on the house and we don’t get wasted, I accept. That led to three more, all from her. I’m pretty sure I was leading her on to believe she was going home with me at the end of the night, which is far from the case. She realized around eleven that I wasn’t going anywhere with her, when I did a shot with a pretty blonde a few barstools away.

            By the time Cas comes it’s almost midnight. I want to ask why it took him so long, but he’s in his full suit still so I assume he’s coming from the office. It makes me rolls my eyes, which makes anger flash in his. I can slightly hear a slur in my voice when I ask him if he wants the usual. He stares at me for a moment.

            “Where is Mary tonight?” He asks quietly. The bar isn’t too full tonight so I don’t have to strain to hear him.

            “Where she always is when I work?” I can’t help but roll my eyes again, even though I know I’m the one being ridiculous. That’s the thing about alcohol, at least for me- even though I’m aware of myself doing things I don’t want to be doing, I can’t seem to stop doing them. I wonder briefly if that’s how my dad always felt, but push the thought away. I am not my father.

            “Dean, you’re drunk.” I point to him, a playful smile on my face.

            “Tipsy, my friend.” I make sure I emphasize friend, to remind him we broke up. It’s his turn to roll his eyes.

            “No. Drunk.” He sighs, running a hand down his face. He looks over at Benny working beside me and stares for a moment. They’ve met a few times now, Benny being totally cool with the whole situation. He even gives him a drink on the house every once in a while if I’m too busy to serve him. “Benny, do you mind if I take Dean home early?”

            “No problem.” Benny doesn’t meet my eye, so I can tell he’s worried about me. He’s not the type to say anything but I’ve been able to sense it all night. He doesn’t know much about me, but he knows enough. “I’ve got it covered. It’s a slow night. Go home.” He says to me, as if he can tell I’m about to argue. I argue anyway.

            “No. I’m not going anywhere with him.” I can tell I’m acting childish as I cross my arms over my chest, but like I said, the alcohol doesn’t let me stop.

            “Yes, you are going to come with me and sleep this off. You don’t need to be going home to Mary drunk.”

            “Tipsy!” I yell at him, but somewhere in my head I actually do realize that I shouldn’t go home like this. He’s right, Mary deserves better. I throw down the washcloth I had in my hand and walk around the bar, storming out without saying a word to anyone. I know Cas will follow me, just like I know I’ll be greeted outside with Balthazar holding the black, shiny car door open for me. I grumble about him fucking off but he doesn’t seem to mind. Cas slides in next to me but I focus on the window to my left, making sure I don’t look at him. Balthazar gets in the front and starts driving. I wonder if he came here with Balthazar because he thought he would need help, because he thought I would fight him. I wonder if I should have fought him, not that I really had the energy tonight to do any fighting.

            “Your hands are shaking.” Cas whispers. He goes to grab one but I pull away.

            “It’s cold out.” I yell harshly. He breathes deeply beside me. It’s summer in Kansas. I’m not a dipshit, I am aware that it’s not cold out. Thankfully he doesn’t insult me by pointing it out. The rest of our drive is silent, until we arrive at his place. He quietly tells Balthazar to leave us for the night and I try not to show the surprise on my face. I stumble out of the car and he reaches out to grab me, but I shove him off. He looks almost scared for a moment, which would probably break my fucking heart if I wasn’t drunk. No tipsy. I promise, I’m just tipsy.

            The last thing I remember is Cas yelling at me to be careful, my right foot catching on the second step of his staircase. Then the world goes black.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I AM A TERRIBLE PERSON. I am so so so so so sorry for abandoning all my lovely fans. I apologize profusely. I am back in action and will be updating regularly again. Once again I apologize. Don't hate me. Seriously. Don't. It'd make me sad.
> 
> Enjoy (:

When I come to I’m soaking wet, ice cold water raining down on me. Cas is on the floor next to me, his suit jacket now gone and his tie hanging loosely from his neck. I look around the bathroom slowly, still a little drunk. I watch him for a few seconds. He has his head in his hands, his shoulders shaking. I shift, wanting to comfort him, but the noise makes him look up. His blue eyes are filled with tears. 

“You okay?” He asks, his voice stone cold. 

“Me?” I wipe my face, moving so the water doesn’t get in my eyes anymore. “I’m fine. Are you okay?”

“No.” He whispers, shaking his head. He puts a hand over his mouth, like he’s stopping himself from saying something he’ll regret. I looked down, taking in my soaking wet clothes. I used to have to do this to my dad. Dump him in the shower and wait for him to be human again. I did that the day I found him dead. I picked him up and carried him to the bathroom. I made the water as cold as possible and slapped his face over and over again. But he was gone. In that moment I realize how stupid I am. How stupid this all was. 

“Cas.”

“There’s a towel on the toilet. You’re free to sleep in one of the guest bedrooms.” He walks away, leaving the only sound in the room to be the water hitting the tiled floor of the bathtub. I stay in there for a few more minutes, hoping that it will sober me up some more. When it doesn’t I stand up, my legs shaking. I slowly strip out of my clothes, drying off with the fluffy towel he left me. When I’m done I wrap it around my waist, padding down the hall. I pause at his bedroom, but he closed the door. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I make my way to the nearest guest room. Closing the door behind myself, I let the towel fall as I get into the bed. I bury my face in the pillow, feeling a scream bubble up. I let it out, the fabric muffling it. I scream until I’m crying. The only reason I stop is to choke on a sob. I fall asleep like that, with my throat sore and my eyes puffy. The room spins as I drift away. 

 

 

“Mornin’ sunshine.” My eyelids stick when I try to look in the direction of the voice. I groan when they crack open the tiniest bit, letting in the blinding light. My throat hurts and my tongue feels heavy. I want to roll over to escape the light but I’m afraid to move. “I made you coffee.” 

“Shh,” I whisper, because he is talking in his bright, cheerful voice. He chuckles beside me and brings a finger to my face, brushing it gently against my cheek. I groan, even though it feels good. Deciding to open my eyes, I look at him. He is already dressed in his suit, smiling down at me with my Batman coffee mug in hand. He hands it to me, his smile growing.

“Sit up so you don’t spill.” This time he whispers, and I am forever grateful. I prop myself up on the fluffy pillows the best I can, trying to figure out why my head gained fifty pounds. As if he can sense that my head hurts he shows me his open palm, two Tylenol lying there. I grab them and quickly pop them into my mouth, chasing them with the glorious cup of coffee. 

“Thanks.” I mumble, last night rushing back to me. I can’t look him in the eye. “I’m sorry you had to deal with me last night.”

“I wasn’t dealing with you; I was taking care of my boyfriend.” I gasp. I thought we broke up- no, actually I KNOW we broke up. But hearing him disregard it makes me able to breathe. 

“I missed you.” I whisper brokenly. It was only one day but it felt like eternity. His smile shrinks a little bit, but it also gets warmer. 

“I missed you too.” He sighs and glances at the clock. “I have an early meeting. Balthazar will bring you home when you are ready.”

“Shit.” I sit up straight, wincing when my head protests. “Mary.”

“She is fine. I called Bobby.”

“You didn’t tell-”

“No. I didn’t tell him you were drunk.” His smile is still warm but his eyes show concern. I try for flirty and sarcastic, giving him a wink.

“Tipsy.” I point at him. He shakes his head but says nothing. 

“Finish your coffee. Balthazar will be in my office when you are ready.” I lay back in the bed, watching him leave. The wind gets knocked out of me when a memory floods back in. It’s fuzzy and vague, but I made him cry last night. He wasn’t okay. He said so himself. I go to chase him but before I can swing my legs over the edge of the bed I hear the front door close. I let my eyes close again, hating myself with every breath I take.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy (:

Bobby throws a wrench at the shop wall when I tell him about Anna. I flinch, staring straight ahead. I let him scream, his face bright red. I know Mary is on the other side of the shop, but I still turn to look out the window to check. She’s still far enough away, sitting on the trunk of a car watching Charlie work on a beat up chevy we got in last night. 

“Aren’t you pissed?” Bobby screams at me, throwing a soft cover book at my chest. I stare at him, my head pounding. I should have skipped work today. 

“Of course I’m pissed.” I shiver, anger running up my spinal cord. I crack my neck and take a deep breath. “I got drunk last night.”

“You what?” Bobby yells, coming around his desk to get in my face. It’s a rhetorical question, so I don’t repeat myself. “Are you TRYING to get that little girl taken from you?”

“It’s not illegal to drink Bobby. Normal people drink.”

“You ain’t normal boy!” He looks away from me for a second, taking in a few deep breaths. “Do you need help?”

“No.” I cross my arms over my chest, hoping that’s the truth. My hands are shaking pretty bad today, and the whiskey definitely did the trick last night, but as of right now I’m not feeling an urge to drink again. “It was a one-time thing.”

“Yeah, okay John.” If it wasn’t Bobby, I would have thrown a punch. The amount of anger that rushed through me at the name makes me feel like I’ll burst. Instead I clench my fists at my side. If I’m going to keep Mary, I have to keep myself under control. 

“Cas is going to help me. He’s looking into the best custody lawyers.”

“Good.” Bobby nods. He’s only met Cas a few times but he liked him from the start. “That man needs to be kept around you know.”

“I know.” I say quietly. I scratch my forehead. 

“I need to see her. To talk to her.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s the opposite thing you need to do.”

“Maybe I can convince her to leave. I could offer to pay her.” With what money, I don’t know. I’d sell a fucking kidney for that little girl though. Bobby’s rage spikes again. He gets right up in my face, a finger pointing at me. 

“Don’t you ever fucking say that again!” Spit hits my cheek but neither of us care. “Don’t do anything like that. It’s illegal. We can fight her.”

I don’t even realize my whole body is shaking until Mary walks in. She looks at the two of us, a small frown on her face. “Are you cold?” She asks me quietly, concerned. I tell her yes, because otherwise she’ll ask why I’m shaking. She offers me her sweater but I tell her to keep it. When she shrugs and puts it back on I start crying. Bobby practically pushes me out of the office. 

“Get your shit together boy!” He whispers angrily, shutting the door in my face. I can hear Mary ask what’s wrong with her daddy, but I know I’m no good for her like this. I pull out my phone, my hands shaking so hard I’m afraid I’ll drop it. 

He answers on the third ring. “Thank god. I’m about to go into a meeting and I need you to remind me that I love my job, because my assistant is driving me nuts and the author we are meeting with is the-” He stops talking when he realizes I’m crying. “Dean, what’s wrong?”

“I” I start crying harder, walking into the bathroom so no one hears me. My chest constricts as I try to form words.

“Calm down. You gotta calm down babe.”

“I can’t breathe.” I sob. I didn’t even register this until I said it out loud. It feels like someone is pressing down on my chest, keeping the air from reaching my lungs.

“Where are you? I'll come to you."

“You’re at work.” This makes the sobs grow louder. I can just picture him, surrounded by expensive art work and people in suits. He isn’t meant for this. He isn’t meant for me. 

“Not anymore. I’m already outside the building. Where are you?”

“At Bobby’s.” The line goes dead. I slump to the ground, wrapping my arms around my legs. He’s coming. I put my head on my knees, taking deep breaths. Reminding myself that I really can breathe, despite what it feels like. 

He’s coming. He’s coming. I repeat it until I can fully breathe again. He’s coming.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in a few days!! I'm bogged down with midterms, hating my life. 
> 
> Enjoy (:

The bathroom door slams against the wall when he throws it open. He doesn’t have a suit jacket, which is very rare for him. I wonder if he left it behind since he was in a hurry. He kneels down, letting his dress pants get dirty. I go to tell him that we mechanics are messy, that he doesn’t belong here on the ground of a bathroom, but he’s kissing me before I can. It’s like he gives me oxygen with the kiss, like he’s sharing his own private air supply. When he pulls away I feel so much better, a calm washing over me. 

“What happened?”

“I can’t lose her.” I whisper. I try to put my head in my hands but he catches my chin, making me look at him. 

“I’m not going to let that happen.”

“You’re not God. You don’t get to decide.” He gets a smirk on his face.

“I’m pretty damn close. She won’t touch Mary, not if I have anything to say about it.” I close my eyes, letting the words sink in. He has money, and connections. He’ll make it go away. I need him to make her go away. 

“The court is gonna take one look at my life. One look at my apartment and my job, and they’re gonna take her. 

“We’ll fix it Dean.”

“How?” I look up at him, trying to find answers in his bright blue eyes. They’re clear. Confident. He’s handling it. I feel the weight lift off my shoulders. 

“Do you trust me?” He asks, brushing the pad of this thumb along my cheekbone. 

“Of course.” I realize he’s wiping away tears. I didn’t even know I had been crying.

“Then follow me.”

 

 

Cas successfully flips my world upside down in less than 24 hours. Or maybe the better way to put it is flip it right side up. Mary comes running down the hall of his apartment, her nightgown covered in streaks of bright pink and purple paint. Cas is chasing her, in nothing but a cotton shirt and shorts. I watch as they round the corner, Mary shrieking in excitement. Cas has paint covering his hands, reaching out like he’s gonna get her. The paint is dripping all over the floor, and they’re leaving pink footprints as they go. 

The housekeeper, Julie, is just about to leave for the night. She hikes her bag up on her shoulder and purses her lips at the sight of them. There’s a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth though. Cas says she’s been working for him for years, ever since she retired from running a hotel downtown. If the sadness that surrounded Cas when they first met is anything to go by, this is probably the first time in a while he’s been happy. 

“We’ll clean it.” I tell her, giving her a reassuring smile. She rolls her eyes but nods. When she’s gone I turn to look at them, but they’re already gone again. I laugh to myself. I go to the fridge and start pulling out fruit and yogurt. I start mixing a parfait, falling more and more in love with the kitchen as I work. After a few minutes I feel two arms wrap around my waist, a nibble at my ear lobe. 

“Mmm,” I moan, putting the spoon down. Mary can wait for her bedtime snack. I turn in his arms, planting a kiss against his smile. He kisses me back for a few seconds before pulling away.

“We have decided that pink and purple look beautiful together. No need to pick.” I can’t help but laugh. He has a pink painted nose and a purple eyebrow. He takes my hand, pulling me down the hall. I get paint on my socks but shrug it off. When we arrive to the bedroom Mary picked out to be her own, thankfully a few rooms away from where my boyfriend likes to make me scream in bed, I’m shocked at the difference. Instead of the neutral cream it was painted before, my eyeballs are assaulted with pink. There’s purple handprints throughout, along with finger painted hearts and butterflies. There’s a few random streaks as well, most likely just for fun. 

I scratch my head but smile at the little girl standing in the middle of the room, a huge smile on her face. “Do you like it daddy?” She asks, her hands clasped together like she’s trying to keep her excitement locked up.

“Do I like it?” I ask, moving to where she is a scooping her up. It earns me a giggle. “I love it silly!” 

“It still has to dry though, remember?” Cas asks from behind us, leaning against the door frame. Mary is sleeping in one of the other rooms tonight, but I have a feeling she’ll wiggle her way into our bed. It’s her first night in her new home, which is a lot for her. She’s already seen the rest of the apartment, falling in love with her little section of the library. She had asked if she could just stay there forever. 

“I ‘member.” She mumbles, rubbing her eyes. She gets purple on her eyelid and I sigh.

“Okay, you need a bathtub before bed.” I say, carrying her to the bathroom across the hall from her room. I’m honestly not sure how, but it’s already decorated with fish and bright colors, a bucket of kids toys next to the tub along with animal towels hanging from the wall. I dump her next to the tub, reaching over to run the water. I pull her nightgown off and tell her to pick out a few toys. I leave to where Cas is still standing, examining the walls. 

“I’m going to fire my interior designer.” He says, trying to maintain a straight face. “She just has an eye for this type of thing, don’t you think?” 

I jokingly push him, rolling my eyes. “I wouldn’t fire him just yet.”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t either.”

We hear a big splash from the bathroom, both of us panicking. When we run into the room Mary is sitting with her toes in the tub, the empty bucket beside her. I laugh. You   
can’t even see the water with how many toys she has in there. 

“I said pick out a few.” I say, trying to sound stern. I can hear Cas giggling behind me. 

“It was just so hard to choose daddy!” She says quietly, giving me her best puppy dog eyes. My heart melts. I reach over, adding a little strawberry shortcake bubble bath to the toys, swishing them around to try and get the water mixed in. She smiles with excitement when the bubbles start forming. 

I reach and shut off the water, telling her she only has fifteen minutes to play. I grab Cas’ hand, pulling him into the kitchen. I start finishing the parfait, making three bowls of it. I place them on the table, along with a glass of milk for each of us. At some point Cas had disappeared, but he’s back now with a clean nightgown and pair of underwear for her. 

“I think she’s done.” He says quietly. I grab the clothes from her, confused why he didn’t handle it himself. He’s a natural with her. 

By the time she’s out of the tub and dressed, there’s toys and bubbles everywhere and my shirt is soaked. She’s sitting at the table, eating her yogurt and brushing her hair at the same time. I smile as I watch her. Cas is barely touching his food, consumed by whatever he’s looking at on his computer- probably emails. 

By the time I put Mary to bed and sing her three Elvis songs, he still hasn’t finished his yogurt. I scratch my jaw, giving him a tight smile. “Do you not like yogurt?”

“Hmm?” He asks, staring at the screen. He jumps a little, looking at me. “Oh, no I love yogurt. Sorry.” 

I shrug, starting to clean the kitchen. Mary calls from the bedroom when I’m about half way done with the dishes. I start drying my hands off but Cas jumps up, waving me off. “She’s probably just scared. I’ll move her to our room.” He picks up the computer, placing it on the island for me to see. It’s too far away for me to make out what website it’s on.

He walks away before I can say anything. I stand there with the towel in my hand, staring at the laptop like it will bite me. When I get closer I realize what it is. A re-entry application to the University I dropped out of. I stare at it, my breath catching in my throat. The information is filled out, all of it, along with the credit card information for the application fee. All I have to do is hit submit. I’m still staring at it, my hand hovering over the mouse, when he walks back in. He stops short, seeing me standing there. I don’t look at him, but he can tell from how long he’s known me that I’m not pissed.

“You’ve already done so much.” I whisper. He’s taken us in, not only just to crash, but to actually live. We’re going shopping tomorrow for decorations we all like, much to Mary’s happiness- first thing she said when we walked in, ‘well, you sure do like black don’t ya?’

“I know.” I’m glad he doesn’t pretend like he hasn’t. Lying would piss me off. He needs to own what he’s doing. He’s housing us, feeding us, paying for Mary to go to a private daycare that focuses on learning and creativity. He got us the best lawyer in the state, paying for him to drive over two hours for us and paying for the man’s hotel room if he needs to stay overnight. He’s bringing us to that hotel in a week or two. He’s doing everything for us. 

“You’ve already done so much.” I repeat.

“Let me do more.” He whispers. He gets closer to me, standing behind me. He wraps his arms around me, resting his hands on the granite counter top. The screen starts to blur as I try to fight back tears. He takes my hand, moving it out of the way. He moves the mouse to hover on SUBMIT. I take three breaths, long and slow, and nod slightly. He clicks, sending it. I collapse against him, the tears coming fast and hard now. My breathing speeds up as he holds me, turning me so my face is against his chest. 

We stand there for a long time, him holding me together. Even when I stop crying, my breathing back to a normal pace, we still keep standing there. Eventually I pull away, looking up at him. He wipes the tears from my cheeks, then gives me a light kiss. 

“I will give you the world Dean Winchester.” He whispers, before kissing me again. “Get used to it.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's short I know :( I'm sorry ya'll

The envelope is big, and stuffed full. It’s waiting for me in the morning, sitting beside the freshly squeezed orange juice and pancakes. Castiel and Mary are already eating, talking about current events. It would make me laugh if I wasn’t so focused on the envelope. While they talk politics, like they’re two old business people instead of a man and little girl, I run my finger along the stamp in the corner. The University seal is bright against the white envelope.

I take it, carrying it to the bedroom. With the door closed I sit on the edge of the bed and open it. When I read the first few sentences I start to cry, dropping the letter on the bed. I had perfect grades while I was there. I shouldn’t be surprised by the acceptance, but I am. The way my life has been, the uphill battle. It’s just such a relief to get a win. 

Castiel comes in a few minutes later, sitting beside me. I hand it to him silently, letting him read it. His smile grows. He stands up, leaving the bedroom quickly. I chase after him, confused. He walks into the dining room, straight to Mary. 

“Guess what?” He says excitedly. She raises her eyebrows at him, taking a sip of her orange juice. He kneels next to her so they are at eye level, then hands her the letter. She can’t read it, of course, but he explains while doing it. “Daddy’s gonna go back to school.”

“Yes!” She yells. I start crying again when I realize they’ve been talking about this. Cas must have explained the situation to her, so she wouldn’t worry when I started taking classes again. I told him she gets confused when big changes happen, and of course he listened. She hops off her chair, running towards me. She throws her arms around me, crumpling the letter. I don’t even care about the stupid paper when I scoop her up, hugging her to me. “I is proud of you daddy!” She whispers against my neck. I start crying harder, to the point where I’m afraid I might drop her. Cas joins in though, wrapping his arms around the both of us, once again holding it all together.

He looks at me over her head, smiling. He whispers, “I am so proud of you.” And in that moment, I’m actually proud of me too.


End file.
